Save and Sanctified Girlfriend #0001

My family lived in the ghetto, but I was raised in the church. Every Sunday, I attended service. Since I was a child, I enjoyed gospel music and yearned for the word of God.

But there came a time when I wanted to do my own thing. I wanted to live in the world and not according to the word. I strayed from the church. Sunday morning service was the furthest thing from my mind when I was in the street.

I drank, smoked, cursed and lived a promiscuous life with different men. I didn’t see anything wrong with a booty call. When I drank, I went for the hard stuff --- Boiler Makers. I used to take a shot of Hennessey and chase it with a mug of beer. I never did drugs, but my friends did. When my good-time money was low, I became a number writer.

It was the fast life. I thought it was the time of my life. Then, I saw my friends go to jail, get strung out, and start to die. I had an epiphany at that point. I went back to school, got a job, and returned to church.

But on the inside, I was still dealing with low self-esteem. It would resurface throughout my life. People in my family said I was trash and no man would ever want me.

Depite going back to church, I still did things that were against God. I’d have sex with my man on Friday and go to church on Sunday, asking God to forgive me. Then I would shout hallelujah with everyone else.

As I stayed in church, I heard the word of God. It didn’t move me at first. Then, the more I heard the word, the more I wanted to do better. I got pregnant, which brought shame to families back then, and two weeks after my son was born, I got married.

I knew the marriage would never last, but I wanted to be wanted. All my life I felt that I wasn’t worthy of love -- and I confused sex with love. My marriage was bad from the start. I just wanted to be somebody’s wife. My husband used to yell at me -- tormenting me mentally. Then he’d beat me. He used to lock me in the closet naked and leave me there while my son cried in his crib.

I was never happy. My life was a living hell, but my family told me to stick it out because nobody would want me. They called me second-hand trash. My heart shattered -- and so did my marriage, after just three months.

When my second husband came along, I had no self-esteem. I had stopped going to church again. I’d leave my son on the weekends, just to have sex with my new boyfriend. He proposed to me and we got married, but when he wasn’t beating me, he was cheating on me. I prayed through every beating for God to rescue me. My husband was a heavy drinker, and the more he drank, the more violent he became. I never fought back because I didn’t want him to go after my son.

His other woman got pregnant, and he moved out to live with her. He never came back and we never divorced. When he died of cirrhosis of the liver a few years later, I was still his wife. The insurance check was mine. I used the money to get me and my son out of the projects.

Church was always on my mind. I believed in God’s miracles, but I didn’t think he loved me enough to help me. I started sleeping around with a married man. I felt safe with him because he never beat me. I knew it was wrong, but I was depressed. My life was so dark that I went to the store to buy black paint so I could paint my house black. A friend offered to do it for me, but told me I had to leave. When I returned, my walls were bright white. It was as if God had shined a light on my life.

It was the first time I looked in the mirror and assessed my life. I knew I had to work on me. I went back to church with a clean mind and a clean heart.

My first confirmation that God was real came when he delivered me from smoking. A closet smoker, I asked God to take the taste and desire from my mouth and he did, without me getting a patch or hypnotized.

Then, I started praising God more. The more I praised him and opened my heart to him, the more he revealed himself to me. Each time I prayed for something and it came to pass, my faith increased.

God showed me that I had a purpose in life. I was not the mistake I was raised to believe. God left me knowing there was room in his kingdom for me.

Next, I asked God to clean me up and remove my desire to have sex. I prayed and promised God I would remain celibate until another husband comes along. He took that desire away and I have kept my word to him.

I still enjoy dancing, but I know when and where it’s appropriate. I celebrate my life because I can look back and see how far God has brought me. I have proved people wrong, lots of people, including my own mother.

My story is a testament to God's grace and mercy. My son and I made it against all odds. I wasn’t supposed to amount to anything. I wasn’t supposed to get a city job. I was a single black mother from the projects. My son and I weren’t supposed to go to college. But God covered us with his blood and gave us favor.

Now, I am an ordained deacon. I am currently working on my master's degree in counseling. God can use all people in his kingdom -- and he loves each and every one of us. Seek the face of God and trust him. He will direct your path.

Saved & Sanctified Girlfriend in New York City

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